A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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