He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
