Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
