we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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