Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
