The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There r osticjed everywhere
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
