A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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