i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
