chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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