Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
