Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
