Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
