The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize