Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
