Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
should my penis look like a turkey
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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