I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize