I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
