I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
