I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
