Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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