I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
