dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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