On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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