I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
