i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
