I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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