i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
