NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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