I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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