I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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