Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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