Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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