____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
