You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
