when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
