I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i've created a new STD.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
