i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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