hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Boobs speak an international language.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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