I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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