I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Bring me that man meat
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
