if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize