bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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