I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
