I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
