Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
