if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
