Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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