Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
