Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize