So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
