party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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