I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
