if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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