I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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