cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
