Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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