the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
