just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I didn't notice because vodka
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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