the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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