brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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