remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
